Here we are on the other side of the holidays.
How do you think you fared? If you were anything at all like me, you probably had at least one or two moments or melt downs. I had several and they all occurred after the festivities were done. First, and apparently meant to set the stage for further dramatic developments, I had a vivid and disturbing dream. I dreamed that my entire family was on holiday somewhere resort like. My father included. (All of my sons and I had actually spoken to him on New Years day and discussed openly the painful struggle involved in calling him and talking to him since the onset of dementia and his rapidly increasing frailty now days) In the dream Ashley suddenly appeared and stepped right up to him, so strong and in charge was she as she said to him, “Come on Grandaddy, I know you need to go to the restroom, so let me get you up to go.” As she tried to do this, I jumped in and took over because it didn’t appear that Ashley was going to be able to support him physically, so I did. When I couldn’t shake the dream the next morning and kept thinking about it, I repeated it to my friend Susan, who I think is a wonderful interpreter of dreams. She said that right away her first thought was that Ashley had come for my dad and I intervened. That interpretation left me speechless because of the way it instantly resonated with me. It made perfect sense. She had loved my father, and would certainly be there to help him cross over, no doubt. In one sense it was comforting and in yet another so sad. The rest of the day I reflected on the dream and the possible interpretation and thus the stage was set for the events that followed. As I went about the routine tasks at hand like cleaning and laundry I hung up a pair of blue jeans I had just washed for the first time to dry instead of putting them in the dryer in hopes they wouldn’t shrink. I hung them over the closet door in my bedroom and left them to dry. Later I went in my room again for something else and noticed the jeans hanging there. I very casually reached over to smooth out a wrinkle in one of the legs when suddenly a “memory wave” came out of nowhere and could have knocked me off my feet. Instantly tears flooded my eyes and fell on my quivering cheeks and lips as I remembered so vividly the time that I thought I was being so helpful by taking a load of Ashley’s laundry out of the washer and putting it into the dryer. What I didn’t know was that the load contained a pair of jeans that were really expensive that she wanted to air dry. When she came home she was so upset because I had ruined her new jeans. I just never thought she wouldn’t want them to go in the dryer. I’m so sorry Ashley, I would do it all so differently now, if I had the chance to do it over, I promise!!! That old promise, how many times have we found ourselves begging for that one??? Countless, right? Later that evening I thought I might practice a little escapism by watching the newly released DVD of the first season of “Glee” and of course so strongly reminisent was it of the show choir in which Ashley had so lovingly and brillantly performed all the way through high school, that I was once again knocked senseless by “the wave.” All I had to do was barely blurr my eyes and I could perfectly see Ashley on that stage, dancing and singing her little heart out. Damn, she couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket but she sure looked great up there, selling the heck out of whatever song they were performing. Then as all three episodes, the dream, the jeans and the choir, came rushing back in on top of me, I feared drowning once again. I could feel that all-to-familiar heaviness, the difficulty in breathing, the immeasurable weight pulling me down. It would be so easy to give in to it, to stop struggling against it and let it take me. That would require nothing. The opposite fight is the one that requires strenght and determination. The courage needed to resist that pressure is what we all have to keep finding; time and time again. I don’t think it ever gets easier, it’s just that each time we resurface after being pulled under we do so with a little bigger breath of air that will help us fight a little longer this next time to stay on top. Our muscles are getting used to the workout and thus stronger each time. It’s not getting easier, we are just getting better and stronger for the fight.
They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well, we know we’re not crazy, right? Because we know this is going to happen over and over again and the results are always THE SAME! Memories, emotions, events and the likes knock us to our knees; we are then so heavily wrapped in sorrow and sadness that the world breaks away and disappears beneath us, but somehow, from somewhere, like a lifeline we reach out and grab the strength and courage we need to pull ourselves up and out of the depths, only this time we’re stronger and filled with resolve that we will go further for longer now with the ground back under us. It is my pray that this year will bring even more healing and courage and strenght to each of us than we ever thought possible. May it be so!! God Bless.
